As I look at all I’ve done and the things I haven’t, sometimes I wondered why I was still here.
Some have said you have no feelings, my reply was, what’s feelings.
I felt lost and unsure of where I was going or who I even was.
With each passing day, my heart only became smaller and colder.
I often asked myself who the hell am I? Am I supposed to be what I see when I look in a mirror?
Did I bring all of this upon myself somehow?
I always was angry and felt nothing if I hurt someone that crossed me in some way, sometimes I pushed them to do something, anything, so I could rip them apart just to make them feel as hurt as I did.
My life was a disaster!
Then one day I felt something I couldn’t explain, I saw a child crying and calling for their mother, I don’t know why but I walked over and asked are you lost?
The child was scared and shaking, then with such a timid voice said yes, my mother was here and then she was gone. I felt like it was the wrong thing to be doing, but I said come with me I won’t let anyone hurt you and we’ll find your mother.
It took about 10 minutes of my time but we did find the mother, she was so thankful she gave me a hug and asked if she could repay me somehow, I looked her in the eye for a moment and for the first time I saw that she meant it, she really was thankful and felt she owed me, I only said no.
As I walked away, I heard her say to the child she was lucky to have met a good man and not a bad stranger, at that moment I felt goodness. I never saw it or thought of myself as a good man or a good anything for that matter.
That one act of kindness changed me, from time forward I have only tried to help others in any way that I could, I now have a life. Maybe not a great one compared to some others, but a good life and I’ll never forget that day or the feeling I had as I walked away. It became like a drug that I had to have more of.
If you can find the light it will guide you to where and who you need to be!