I had an awful week with feelings of not knowing who I had become and not knowing where my life had gone to. Caught in a spiral heading towards that endless black hole called life.
As I was spinning out of control with no hope in sight I also was clinging to anyone that made me feel good even if it was only for a short time, so even my choices had been compromised and deepened the hurt I was always feeling, the emptiness grew and suffocated any chance of hope, the light was gone!
Friends and family held out their hands to help, but not only was I out of reach but I was really afraid of grasping their hands, for when I climb out I know that then I have to face who I’ve become and they would have to witness all of my faults and sorrows. I felt I deserved what was happening to me and I deserved to be lost forever, never to burden any of them with the existence that had become me.
One night as I was falling again into the only relief I knew as sleep; I began to dream. I could hear the birds singing just outside my window and I thought to myself NO I don’t want the day to begin, I can’t do another, why as much as I have prayed was, I not taken while I slept. Lord, I have begged for you to send your messenger of death to my door, why must you punish me with giving me another day filled with so much pain, I plead to you to take me so this life can end and I can finally be free.
With no answer, I began hearing children outside my window. I could hear laughter; I could hear so many giggles as only children can do with such innocents. Even though I didn’t want this day I rolled over to see what the children were doing, I couldn’t make out their faces at first and thought it was because I had just woken, and my eyes needed time to focus.
They were in a circle holding hands and turning while looking up towards the sky and then to each other, the faces started coming into focus and the first child I saw seemed familiar, so I concentrated on him. When his face became clear I was startled for a moment because the child was me.
I remembered that day playing with my friends, no concerns, no fears, and knowing that each of us was always there for the others. A smile came to my face, which I haven’t had for many years. I watched them play for what seemed like hours, but then a knock at my door woke me from my dream I remember thinking that was so nice but here I am back to reality.
I walked to the door gently opening it just a little because I wasn’t sure who might be on the other side, I knew there weren’t any visitors ever at my door and feared it could be someone that I had crossed at some point in my life. When I opened it, a man stood before me that I hadn’t seen since my childhood. He said my mother had run into him at the market and told him of her fears about me and he decided to come and offer his hand as we all did growing up.
This man was always my best friend, I never knew anything of him but honesty. We sat down and talked that entire morning then he said to come with him, we had a good meal as we talked more. He looked me in the eye and told me he wasn’t leaving me and wanted me to come home with him. Reluctantly I agreed.
When we arrived at his home we walked in and the first thing I saw was a plaque that read LOVE, PEACE, HONOR. This man stood by me for a long time and gave me anything he felt I needed to get my life back on track. Don’t get me wrong he was far from rich, but he did what he could and when he couldn’t he found someone that could.
Those three words stuck! Love, Peace, and Honor